Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

I was convinced I was pregnant last month. I was 5 days late and I am never late. Rather than quieting the voices in my head telling me I could be, I let myself feel hopeful and excited at the prospect of it all. I had decided that telling myself 'no, you're not' when I really hoped and felt like I might be doesn't change the outcome either way so I was going to choose joy and hope. Whether I thought I was pregnant or kept telling myself I wasn't, I'd be sad and disappointed either way if it wasn't our time yet so why not let myself be hopeful?

I had just finished a conversation with Jonathan about this before we went to bed on that fifth day. It was one of those chats I never wanted to end as we knew we should have been in bed an hour ago but we just kept talking and dreaming and loving every second. I told him I don't want to have to keep myself in check with anything in life. If I feel hopeful or excited prematurely, I don't want anyone to tell me I am getting ahead of myself. I know that already and I would rather get ahead of myself than tell myself no, no, no. He agreed and we made a pact that we weren't going to talk ourselves out of being hopeful or excited about our life. Whether it's hoping/thinking we could be pregnant this time or sharing our love of Jesus with others or raving about how much we love Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We don't want to worry what others might think of us being so open and excited about things they may not understand or relate to. We need to let ourselves love what we love and feel what we feel and not worry that others will criticize our naivety or optimism.

A few hours after that bedtime chat, I woke up from a peaceful sleep and knew immediately that I was no longer 5 days late. I got up and confirmed that I was in fact, not pregnant, and with cramps and tears in my eyes, I climbed back into bed and told Jonathan it wasn't our time.

I cried myself back to sleep and I have to admit, I cried on and off the whole next day. I was okay, really. But I couldn't control the tears. I was disappointed and just sad about how our journey to becoming parents has been thus far. I felt frustrated and when I'm frustrated, I just let the tears fall and fall. Jonathan was great and of course, worried about me but I just had to keep telling him I'd be fine tomorrow - that I just needed to get it out of my system that day. When I say I cried most of the day, I'm not exaggerating. I think it was a mix of exhaustion and disappointment, but I knew I just needed to let myself cry it out and get those feelings out of my system.

I don't really know who Alex Tan is, but this quote from him sums it up pretty well for me. "Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." 

The next day, I woke up and moved on with my life. Hope rushed back in and replaced my disappointment from the day before. I think Jonathan gets a little worried when I have a rough day like that and worries that I might have lost hope or that I might be letting these little bumps in the road make me unhappy with my life. I know it's hard for him to see me fall apart and he wants to fix it and be there to remind me that everything will be okay, that we'll try again next month.

The thing is, sometimes it's just a bad day. Sometimes I just need to allow myself to react to disappointment or frustration. Sometimes I just need to cry it out and get it out of my system. Despite how unreasonable or upset I am in the moment, I know I will be fine tomorrow and that my life is unbelievably full of happiness and joy. It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Tell me...
  • Do you ever have those days where you just need to "cry it out?"
  • What helps you keep everything in perspective? 
  • How do you pull yourself back together?


  1. I've been there. It's hard every time, no matter how long it's been or what it's taken to get there. I'm glad you're remaining hopeful, and that you're able to regain that hope once the bad day is over.

  2. I'm so sorry you had to go through that *hugs*
    I've had lots of days where I just needed to "cry it out" What helps me keep things in perspective is just like you said, it's just a bad day, not a bad life. I listen to music to help pull myself together. I turn it up and sing as loud as I can (I'm a terrible singer, but when I'm trying to feel better I don't care who hears)

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