Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What Comes Next? Finding Strength in Sadness

It's been quiet around here since I shared the story of our miscarriage with you all last week. I haven't known quite what else to say about it to be honest. I want to share what the last few months of healing have been like for us, but these emotions are so unique and I've had a hard time putting it all into words. I guess one thing you all you should know is that we are doing well. We really are.

In the weeks following our sad news, I certainly wouldn't have said we were doing well with as much conviction. I attempted to go into work the following Monday because I didn't really know what to do with myself. I cried the whole way there and sat in my desk chair crying for half an hour when I arrived, only to go right back home. I had been holding up okay over the weekend, but something about being back to a normal routine didn't feel right. I fell apart.

I spent the next several days hiding out at home. I kept myself busy decorating our home for Christmas and getting things done around the house. Being at home was comforting to me. The only person I saw was Jonathan and he knew what I was feeling, what I needed. Home was a safe haven away from having to put on a brave face for the outside world. All that being said, I think I dealt with all of this fairly well.

One thing you need to know is that in the midst of our sorrow and disappointment, we have such faith in God that we knew everything was truly going to be okay. We may not understand God's plan at times, but that isn't our job. Our job is to trust in Him no matter the circumstances. Were we devastated? Yes. Did we feel like the wind had been completely taken out of our sails? Absolutely. Did we have moments of overwhelming sadness? Of course. But in all of this, we found strength in Him and had complete faith that we were going to be okay.

I eventually found the courage to return to work and it was certainly an adjustment. Responding to comments and support I received from co-workers/friends/relatives, all with good intentions was a unique challenge in the first few weeks. It's not that these gestures are not appreciated, it's just that you don't really know how to respond without falling apart. It requires understanding and grace, that's all I can say about it.

I wasn't quite myself, but I was trying and as I healed, I started feeling like myself again slowly but surely. I started socializing more and getting out and about. I found so much comfort in my husband and we would talk and talk until we both felt any weight we'd be feeling had been lifted. We faced this together and  we supported each other. We started laughing real, honest, full laughs and remembered that a good laugh can make you feel better in an instant. We helped each other and are still helping each other move forward.

There were times during the following weeks that I felt like I was watching myself from a distance. I couldn't believe my own strength. You honestly could never predict how you would react to this experience and to witness myself healing and dealing with this tragedy with the slightest bit of grace and peace was truly remarkable to me. I spoke to and thanked God more times than you could possibly imagine.

It's truly amazing to me the peace I was and still am able to find in this situation. It's been months since that devastating day and while I still feel sadness and have moments where I just have to cry it out, I am still at peace. I am still strong. I still know we are getting through this and we can't even begin to imagine the joy that is yet to come in our lives.