Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Firefighter

I never meant to be the one to let you down, if anything I saw myself going first
I didn’t know how to stick around, how to see anybody but me be getting’ hurt

I met a firefighter on eHarmony and dated him for about a month. Insert jokes here about sliding down his pole and him putting out my fire.

For the first time in a long time, I was the one to disappoint someone. I did the dumping. I was the one who wasn’t falling for someone. I was so used to being on the other end of a breakup, the one who would have done anything to make things work, that I had no idea how to deal with it when I realized something was missing.

When I first met The Firefighter, I knew he wasn’t the image I had in my head of the person I wanted to be with, but I was attracted to him and we spent two hours drinking wine on the patio of one of my favorite restaurants and getting to know each other. I was pleasantly surprised by well it had gone considering my track record of eHarmony dates. We started seeing each other pretty regularly and I had a guard up from the very start.

If you know me at all, you know that I am not that person. I don’t hide my emotions, I can’t play games, and I don’t ever have a guard up, which is sometimes my downfall. My mom and I had me convinced that I was just being cautious after getting my heart broken by The Rocket Scientist and I did enjoy The Firefighter’s company, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see where things went.

As strange as this sounds, I wasn’t used to dating someone who lived so close to me. It was nice to be with someone I could visit at work, who could bring wine over when I had a bad day at work and take me to a movie in the middle of the week.

I knew from the beginning we weren’t on the same page as far as feelings go. It was inevitable that he would be ready to make things official, and when he was I told him I wasn’t ready. Again, I’m not that person. If I like someone and want to be with him, I can’t wait to become his girlfriend. I was starting to think the “guard” I had convinced myself of had more to do with the fact that something was missing…chemistry, a spark….I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was. I was used to being in his position, being sure of what I wanted, ready to make a commitment. I didn’t know how I felt or even how to figure it out.

After seeing each other for a few weeks, we spent the day together at Sea World one Saturday. It was such a fun day, but several times throughout the day, my mind would drift away and next thing I knew I felt like crying. I realized I was trying to force things. I knew what a great guy he was and loved the way he treated me. I could tell he really liked me and would be a great boyfriend. Because of all these things, I had been trying to ignore the lack of passion, the spark that was missing. I have been in love before, I’ve fallen for someone so hard that when things when south I was devastated. I was so confused with everything, but I knew what I was looking for and this wasn’t it.

As I told you when I started this blog, this year I became the type of person who spoke my mind, the type of person who spoke up even when it was awkward or maybe a little mean. I couldn’t let him drop me off that night without him knowing that I was feeling confused. I should’ve ended things right there, but wasn’t ready to let a great guy walk away because I couldn’t figure out how I felt. I told him I wouldn’t be going away with him the next weekend like we had planned and that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but that I wanted him to know where my head was.

Soon after this is when I got extremely sick and with all the time I spent lying awake in bed, I had lots fot time to think and I decided it was really time to put an end to this. We both deserve someone we are crazy about and who is just as crazy about us. I didn’t want him to waste another minute thinking about me. Unfortunately, my plan of talking to him about this in person, something I think is so very important didn’t work out and I ended things via text message. I had been so sick and the day before I headed to the hospital, I was so miserable I couldn’t function. He had been texting a lot, asking how I was feeling, asking when he’d see me again…I just couldn’t take it. I feel bad now but at the time, I told him to please back off and that I would let him know when I was feeling better. He got mad and ended up asking if I wanted things to work out between us or not, and I just had to tell him and get it over with. I had told him from the get-go that I despised serious conversations on Facebook and via text. He repeatedly ignored that by trying to talk about our relationship through these avenues and I couldn’t put it off anymore.

I didn’t get to handle things the way I wanted, but I know I did the right thing by ending it. Being on this side of a breakup, it’s still disappointing, just in different ways than I’m used to. The disappointment comes from wanting to feel something, wanting to feel how they feel and just not being able to get yourself there. Lessons learned: feelings can’t be forced. Yes, it can take time for things to develop and for feelings to grow, but you have to trust your instincts and know when to fold.

I truly wish him nothing but the best.